For the past few weeks, I have found myself in a situation where I really like and care about a person who confuses selfishness with self-love. Although he is thoughtful – he cooks me lunch, he takes me out to dinner, he is aware of all the things that happen in my life, whether it is school related, work related or personal matters and he does his best to show me that he cares – he still seems to be incapable of trusting me, of demonstrating his affection towards me and of opening up to me in an emotional way. Is it that he is incapable of giving me what I want or is it that he simply doesn’t want to? Is it ever so simple? I refuse to believe it is so black and white.
This has led me to ask further questions. When you care about someone, how long do you fight for that person? What is a good balance to have where we are considering our emotions and the other person’s? Why do we forget or choose not to put OURSELVES first? It isn’t like the other person is forgetting to do that also. Why is it that we are constantly trying to nurture individuals and trying to “help and save” someone? Maybe they don’t want that. Although these questions have been posed before, I really began discussing them last semester at City College.
Last fall, the Universe blessed me with a course at City College titled, “Transnational Feminisms” and with Dr. Griselda Rodriguez. I have always thought of myself as a feminist, but this course taught me the intricacies of the comment, “I am a feminist” – a phrase I am still shaping. In addition, this course introduced me to ladies who would eventually become my sisters. Out of this class, my sisters and I created the Sister Circle Collective. Through this, we want to provide a sense of sisterhood and positivity among young women. We want to help individuals realize the importance of self-love, self-worth, of awakening our consciousness, and of divine love.
All things I am still trying to learn and will continue to do so myself. This leads me back to my current situation. As of last week, we decided to give ourselves distance. Although it was painful, I found myself focusing on me. I found that when something happened in my day, I did not need to text him right away to share the experience, I could share it with myself or my best friend (which I thank the Universe for). I found myself listening to guided meditations every night that focused on self-love, thanks to my best friend/roommate. I began stating affirmations. It was imperative that I began changing the thoughts that are creating my future situation. And from all of these actions (all demonstrating my ability and my yearning for self-love), I realized a few things.
I found that I wasn’t so sad, and I felt as if this was the right thing to do. I began feeling free. Still, I would think about him every so often. I wondered how he was feeling. I wondered if I would see him in school. We work together outside of school and we go to the same school, it will be inevitable that we see each other. Still, I know the right thing to do is to transform these feelings into a beautiful friendship (of course that is if he wants to also). In order to do this, I will need to give myself distance. I need to do this for myself. I need to do this as an act of love to myself. Most importantly, this feeling of empowerment has been supported by my sisters, by my class, by my best friend. If it weren’t for their support, my thoughts today may not be as positive as they are. This leads me to one last thought.
Self-love and self-worth is not something that will simply occur if you are constantly being negative. It is something that you need to open your mind to. It is something you need to affirm each and every single day, with a phrase such as, “I now allow this love to flow to the surface. It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from all directions and returns to me multiplied. The more love I use and give, the more I have to give. The supply is endless. The use of love makes me feel good, it is an expression of my inner joy.” It is something that comes from awareness. It is something that comes from the community you choose to surround yourself with. My community consists of beautiful women aspiring to spread a message of self-love to others. It is something that comes from positivity. I look forward to continue loving myself each day more and more, so that I can find myself in more pleasant, loving relationships. And even though I wanted more from this person, maybe a lesson learned is that I need to focus on me and my spirituality before anything else.